


Without You, I Lose Myself

by CoffeesForFuckers



Series: Baby-Blues and Wide-Eyed Browns [3]
Category: Fall Out Boy, Peterick - Fandom
Genre: AU, Accident, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Commoner!Patrick, Crying, Depressing, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Love, M/M, Not Really Character Death, Peterick, READ BABY BLUES FIRST!!!!!!!!, Random - Freeform, Sad, Sadness, crash, death... but not really, depressed, get the tissues, it's really actually fucking sad af so read at your own risk, may be triggering, rich!Pete, this took fucking 4 days, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-12-04 19:38:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11561946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoffeesForFuckers/pseuds/CoffeesForFuckers
Summary: READ BABY-BLUES FIRST!!!!!Pete wants somedays, he has so many somedays planned for him and Patrick and he can't wait to reach them, someday that is because it's not the right time for somedays.It's not the right time until somedays turn into supposed-to's./\"It's when it's just you, me and the universe.Those are the times when I feel the most love towards you.It's when I fall in love all over again."





	Without You, I Lose Myself

Every time I look at him I fall in love yet again.   
His smile, his laugh, his eyes. Him. I hold his hands in mine and they're so soft, so smooth, just like the rest of him.  
He looks into my eyes as we do a live video together on Instagram. We're just joking around on our joint account which for some reason had over four-thousand followers.  
He's laughing, so full of life and I can't get enough. I'm just staring at him with big, brown, heart-eyes.   
“What?” He giggles, pushing me by the chest, his cheeks red. My god, he's so beautiful.   
I pull my arm around him and tug him into my chest, kissing the top of his head. He presses his face into the crook of my neck in attempt to hide his bright pink cheeks.  
The comments explode with people flipping out over how cute we were. I lean down and kiss his cheek. He shouts at me for making him get even redder.  
He's so small in my arms as he giggles. Patrick is so precious, he truly is something so special. I don't know what I'd do without him. I already knew I was going to marry him because he was my whole life.   
My mother calls from the bottom of stairs and I sigh, “We had lots of fun on here with you all, but mother calls and we must go. Maybe we'll stream later?” I say and Patrick waves at the camera in a shy way that makes my chest hurt in the best way possible.  
It was the best feeling in the world, when your chest just swelled and felt like you could just explode with emotion. When your heart beat so hard you could hear it in your ears and your body gets shaky and your stomach fills with butterflies.  
But that feeling only comes during moments like this. Not a first kiss or first fuck but when you're just there, looking into the other person's eyes lazily at two in the morning when you both can't sleep, or when your hands find each other's in the car when the sun is setting and hits your lover in just the right way. The small times that should mean nothing but mean the world. All the times it's just you and them as one. The times that you don't need to talk nor kiss nor touch.   
It's when it's just you, me and the universe.  
Those are the times when I feel the most love towards you.  
It's when I fall in love all over again.  
|||  
He stares up at the sky, pointing at all the stars and tracing out every constellation he could see.   
I stare at him and trace every piece of him over and over again in my head so that the image of him will never leave me.   
His hand holds mine in a firm, desperate grasp. It's a grip that begs to be kept for all eternity. It's a hold that locks me to him, the one that confirms that he's the one I'm going to marry. I'm going to place a ring on this hand one day, I'm going to weep as I stare into those baby-blues that drew me into him, the ones that sealed my fate. I'm going to choke as I try to stammer out all the words that could never do my love for him justice while he holds my hands before everybody we know. I'm going to hold back the unstoppable tears that insist on falling as he flawlessly utters his vows to me.   
Someday he really will be mine. Someday, he will be the person that I can say holds my hands, my heart, my soul and my last name.  
I swallow hard at the thought.  
Someday was all I needed right now.  
Because for now, I was okay just watching the stars with him on the roof of his old ‘56 Chevy.  
|||  
Patrick knew just what I liked, whether it was food, flowers, sex or whatever else, he just got me. He knew exactly what I liked even without actually knowing, if you get what I mean.  
“Pete, baby!” He calls as he enters my house. His voice just echoed through the large house so beautifully. I wanted to hear him sing to me in the empty living room and hear the words bounce from wall to wall gracefully.  
“Yes my beautiful baby-blues?” I sway into the living area from the connected kitchen, sliding on my socks on the hardwood floors.  
“You idiot.” His smile screams ‘I love you.’ either way. He presents a bouquet of my favorite flowers.  
I shake my head at him and he walks them over to me and I take them from him. I put them in a vase as he latches himself onto me, his arms going around my waist.  
He glows with happiness. It feels so weird to make someone smile like he does. He grins so wide whenever he sees me, and his eyes just light up. It's such a weird feeling. Somebody is actually happy with me, I made someone so happy that they're only them when they're with me.   
His small fingers run over the small bits of skin that poke out from the bottom of my shirt that was a bit too small on me. He presses his face into my shoulder and I can feel him smiling so wide that his cheeks push up and that his teeth pop out from between his lips. He's giggling and so happy.  
Patrick had the secret to happiness in him and I truly didn't know what it was.  
I was only happy when he was here, or when I was talking to him or anything to do with him was involved. He was almost like a happy pill.  
I turn around in his arms and hold his face in my hands, he's grinning and giggling like an idiot, “You're so soft.” He mumbles as he traces his fingers over my back.  
I smile as I place my forehead to his, the tips of our noses brushing.  
My someday was the best someday to ever grace the earth.  
My someday is a living person.  
And his name was Patrick Stump.  
|||  
He had such warm hands. He was such a gentle soul, I didn't understand how anybody could be so loving to another even while that so called ‘another’ (or me in this case) was leaned over a toilet bowl, spilling their guts (literally) while being a complete wreck.  
It was obvious that I had a fear of being ill, especially when I felt like this and had to spend my time vomiting up the wonderful food that Patrick worked so hard to make me. He didn't even get upset that all of his hard work went to waste. He held me while I cried over the pain and uncomfortableness that I was forced to experience and tried to get me as comfortable as he could through it all.  
I didn't understand how Patrick could be so caring and so sweet all the time. He didn't think of himself or how he should be in bed by this time, 3:15 am. He had to be up early and yet he was asking me if I needed anything, if there was anything he could do to make me feel any better or to make me more comfortable.  
I also didn't understand how anybody could looks so fucking gorgeous at this hour when they were forcing their eyes to stay open with their hair standing on end in some shitty old shirt and kiss-mark boxers. Or how he managed to make me smile with the dopey grin that he had on his face, even when I actually felt like my body was giving out on me.  
He had to practically carry me back to bed and he didn't complain, didn't say anything about me being too heavy nor did he ask for me to try and walk. He wrapped up my shaking body and got into bed with me. He left me pretty much crawl onto him and pull the covers around us like it was winter when I was burning up and it was definitely too hot in the room for this.  
He didn't care that I kept waking him to rub my stomach because it only felt better when he did. He wasn't annoyed by my whining or involuntary whimpers as I tried to get to sleep.   
He didn't get aggravated by my constant apologizing or by me telling him I loved him over and over, and asking how he put up with me one too many times.   
Goddamn I was lucky.  
I knew I had hit the jackpot with him.  
I found my soulmate, my someday, my baby-blues.  
I wouldn't trade him for anything.  
|||  
Right now is where the story really begins.  
We were too young for marriage, that was much farther down the line. But for now I wanted to promise him forever.   
So I got him a promise ring.  
It wasn't much, it was an anchor because that's what he was. He kept me grounded without letting me hit the ground all at once.  
Tonight he was driving back for our three year anniversary. He went to visit his Aunt who lived four hours away for the past week.   
I on the other hand was getting dressed to the nines for our fancy-as-hell dinner date. Vincent was helping with it since he knew more about actual dates than I.  
Patrick and I considered every time we saw each other a date really. We'd never been on a real, proper ‘dinner date’.  
Unless McDonald's counts because we did that a whole lot.  
“Come here idiot. What? Have you never buttoned a damn shirt in your life? You're a damned mess.” Vince sighs as he undid all the horribly askew buttons.  
“I'm nervous!” I defend.  
“It's not like he'll say no.” Vince rolls his eyes at my overreacting, “You two are practically attached at the hip. This past week has been the longest you both have been without seeing each other in like, forever.” He chuckles and shakes his head, “You’re meant to be, I know you’re going to get married someday and raise a family together and all that good stuff, you know?”  
“That’s the plan.” I say with a small smile as thoughts of the future dance through my head.  
Vince ruffles my hair a bit with a grin plastered to his mouth as well.  
I turn away from him and step up to the mirror, playing with my tie as I started to say what I'd rehearsed for so long, “Patrick Stump, you are the person I always wished to be with, the person I wished to be in general… You taught me all the things that I didn’t know, you taught me how life works, you taught me how to live… You are the moon to my stars, the sun to my shine… We fit together like the way the sky meets the land or the way that waves lick at the sandy shoreline. We are an infinite amount of some days that I can’t wait to reach.” I hum, more to myself than anything, “So, for now, can we seal a someday with a promise?” I frown, “Ugh! It’s so lame!” I shout.  
“That’s cute, Pete! It’s not a proposal or anything, calm down.” He laughs as my anxious pulling at my bowtie.  
“It’s like a pre-proposal, Vince! It has to be good!” I groan, “I’ve been with him for three years, I want this to be something special.” I sigh as I toss my hands back to my sides and look over at Vince.  
“He loves you, you have nothing to worry about.” He sighs and shakes his head with a smile on his lips.  
“I love him too so that’s why it has to be absolutely perfect.” I demand and my phone starts to ring. I check the name and it reads ‘my baby-blues’ and I feel my nerves grow.  
Either he was late or outside right now and either way I was petrified.  
“Hey baby, I’m almost ready, are you here?” I coo and Vince laughs at how light my voice suddenly becomes.  
“Hello, may I ask who I am speaking with?” A voice I’ve never heard before rings through the phone, my smile drops a bit and my brow furrows.  
“Um, I’m Peter Wentz, Patrick’s boyfriend. Why do you ask? Who is this?” I say and Vince mouths ‘what’s going on?’ to me.  
I shrug as I wait for a reply, “This is chief Michael Reilly, I’m the head of police in Chicago, Illinois. I’m calling you because you were one of the in case of emergency contacts in Patrick Stump’s phone, He was in a severe accident on Route 45.” My heart sinks as I wait for the man to say ‘but he’ll be fine’.  
“Um… Y-... Yes?” I stumble.  
“He is being airlifted to Mayford hospital. I honestly believe it would be best for you to see him as soon as possible… He’s fading fast.” I drop my phone and sink to the floor.  
“Pete?” Vince stands as he watches my knees give way, “Pete!” He rushes over to me in a heap on the floor.   
“Vince!” I bawl, “It can’t be true!” I grasp his shirt in my hands as he grabs the phone. He mutters a few words and a possible ‘thank you’ into the phone. My chest hurts as the tears fall from my face, I cry so hard that I can’t see and I can’t catch my breath.  
I cough so hard that I swear I taste blood, sputtering for air, wheezing, “Pete, hey… Pete, I need you to calm down.” He hurries and I choke, I grasp his shirt.  
“The car…” I manage and he nods. I know he knows, he knows I know.  
We just don’t say anything about it.  
I can’t say anything. Everything hurts and I can’t speak, this is more painful then when I fell off the wall, this was more painful than when mother forbade me from being with Patrick.   
Knowing that our ‘Someday’ may turn into a ‘Supposed-to’.  
Just thinking of having to say, “we were supposed to be forever, we were supposed to get married and supposed to have a family.” killed me. I had to put our someday plans on the back-burner and save them for the afterlife.  
That’s the only place they could become something that wasn’t ‘someday’ or ‘supposed-to’.   
His smile was the first thing that came to mind, accompanied by his laughter that was more beautiful than any song. And then I remembered that those may be gone for good. I remembered how warm he was and how soft, but he would be cold and stiff.  
Standing in the waiting room in a full on suit made got me a lot of stares. My red eyes and hysterical sobbing and my annoying pacing were also not helping the starting either way.  
Vincent stayed with me, he sat in one of the plastic chairs, bouncing his leg. Mom was allowed to go in and wait for him to get out of surgery, I wasn’t related so I was stuck out here, hysterically sobbing and on the verge of having an anxiety attack.  
“Vince.” I mumble as I push my fingers through my hair, he stands up and wraps his arms around me and holds me in attempt to calm me down.  
“It’s going to be okay.” He hushes as he strokes my hair the way that Patrick did when I was upset. It wasn’t the same.  
His phone rings and he doesn’t let me go as he answers, I can hear mother speaking, “Where are you? And where is Pete? He said he wasn’t leaving ‘til around seven, it’s only six.” She questions him.  
“Mother, there’s been an accident. I’ll explain later once I get Pete calmed down and once everything is okay.” He speaks softly into the phone.  
“Is Pete okay?” She instantly asks, “Oh, god… Patrick.. It’s Patrick isn’t it?” I hear her voice drops, “Pete is probably wishing it were him by now… Do not let him out of your sight.” She warns.  
“I won’t… I’ve got to go, Mother. I’ll call you later.” He sighs and hangs up after mother says her goodbyes.  
|||  
Vince watched over every move I made. I mean, if I were him, I’d be pretty damn worried too, especially since I wanted to kill myself with him just being across the street.  
It had been hours and nobody would tell me anything. It was horrible, agonizing. The pain in my body was bad, I just couldn’t take it. I paced and paced, sobbed and sobbed until I couldn’t anymore.  
Eventually I was just crumpled in a chair, exhausted, tears running down my face involuntarily, no sounds coming from me. I wasn’t me anymore.  
I not me without him.  
My mind was leering at this point, I swore I could feel him holding me, I could feel his warmth and his touch, him.  
“Mr. Wentz?” I woman calls and I spring to my feet, rushing to her.  
“How is he? Oh, god… Please, please let me see him, please.” I cry and she grabs my arms.  
“Mr. Wentz. You may see him now. He is still unstable and he isn’t awake. Which is the best for him because the pain would be unbearable. Though he probably will not wake up. His mother begged to let you see him because she knew that he was very important to you.” She says as she leads me to his room and I feel like I could throw up, “Prepare yourself, he’s in terrible shape.” She tells me.  
I wasn’t expecting what I saw. The boy before me couldn’t have been Patrick. He had tubes down his throat to keep him breathing and he was bandaged everywhere and his face was swollen beyond recognition. He had to have at least ten or twelve different medicines being pumped into his body, he also had a feeding tube.  
Never did I want to see him like this.  
I’m sobbing all over again as I step up to his bed. My hand finds his and it’s still so soft. I cry even harder.  
It’s him, but he’s so cold.  
I just want to hold him, I just want it to be all over, to be okay, “I’m sorry…” I cry, “I’m so sorry.”  
I see now why he blamed himself for my fall. I blame himself for this. He was only coming home for a stupid idea that I had. I wished that I never decided to do this, I just love him so much that I could never forgive myself for what happened.  
I sit in the chair besides his bed.  
That’s where I stay for the next month. I waste away in this chair as he heals but doesn’t get better.  
He hadn’t even started breathing on his own yet. Vince would bring me food that more often than not, I would just throw it all away. I never felt well enough to eat except maybe like one or occasionally, two times a day, even then I barely could choke anything down.  
I wasn’t me without you.  
Can’t you see that?  
There’s no me without us.  
He just lays lifeless on the bed and it kills me. Why was he healing but not getting any better!?  
I just wanted to scream and scream until my lungs gave out.  
All I could do was sit and hold his hand while I pray to the god that I don’t believe in to save him.  
My head rests on the edge of the bed as I try my hardest to sleep. I was beyond exhausted but just the thought of him waking up without me actually crushed me. By now I had given up on the hope of any of this.  
There was no ‘someday’ and there never was, and never will be. This was our someday, our someday was a dream to mask the truth.  
We all just live to die, nothing more and nothing less. Everything that happens in between is just a coincidence.  
I’m in that state where I’m barely awake. I’m still conscious, I can still hear everything around me but everything in my head is all jumbled. There’s a ringing in my ears and I try to push it away to drift asleep. It’s the only thing keeping me awake. It was loud and obnoxious and I couldn’t shake it.  
My eyes shoot open as I sit bolt upright. My mind moving faster to the sound than my mind.   
Patrick flatlined.  
My heart stopped in that moment too, just as the door is thrown open. Everything is slow. There’s yelling but it sounds far away and I can’t see straight. The room is bowed and wobbly, making me dizzy. Nurses grab at me but I fight against them, screaming. I won’t let them take me away. I want to be there when Patrick leaves me, not waiting outside a door. Not hoping for a someday when he’s already too far gone. I want to be able to see him and say goodbye and except my supposed-to-be’s.  
Somehow I’m dragged from the room, kicking and screaming. I sound like a person in the loony-bin. It’s where I belong really. After all this, I know I’ll be sent to one after a mental break sends me into a psychotic fit. Mom is standing in the hallway, she’s out of breath from running. I dash to her and hug her, I hold her as if it were Patrick standing there.  
I just sob. I sob into her while she bawls into me. The only person who get’s how I feel right now is her…  
She tries to calm me but I can’t breathe. I can’t catch my breath and I’m choking.  
She sits me down in the chairs outside the room. I can hear muffled yelling and an occasional erratic heartbeat. It sounds bad.  
“Pete. Has Patrick ever told you about David?” She asks me and I shake my head.  
“Who?” I croak through sobs and hiccups.  
“His father. I loved him. He got me pregnant by accident when we were only young and he stuck by me and we got married and had Patrick. His dad got sick and didn’t tell anybody. He crashed his car and took his life to make it look like an accident so we could get money for it, he just wanted what was best for us. He knew we couldn’t afford the medical bills and the pain was killing him…” She sighs, “Now I might lose my baby too…” She grabs my hand, “I know how bad it hurts. David was in the hospital for months. It was just like this, and then he died. I think that if he wasn’t sick he would’ve made it…”   
I hug her. I don’t know what else to do. I feel selfish for the way I wanted Patrick to wake up just for me but I knew that mom understood that.  
Doctors rushed out of the room, pulling Patrick in his bed close behind. A nurse, one of the ones that dragged me out, informs us that his heart gave out. She also says that they have one shot at saving him but it was destined to fail.  
“We were supposed to be…” I say as the tears paralyze me, I watch them pull him towards the operating room and disappear from me.  
I place a shaky hand to my mouth and blow as gentle kiss to him as I hang my head and let myself bawl.  
|||  
I had been kicked out into the waiting room yet again. This time I was alone. Vince stopped staying around probably two days after I was let in, he was sure I wouldn’t run off to kill myself if there was a possibility of him waking up at any second.  
I’m sat with my head in my hands, glancing up to check the time every now and again.   
I check the time and let my eyes wander the room, of all the people in here, I’m the only one crying, I’m the only one hurting. Why does everybody else get to be okay? I just wished that I could be any one of them right now.  
It’s freezing in here, I’m always cold now anyway. I miss Patrick so much. I would give anything to hear the way he says my name just one more time. I want to hear him say he loved me, just once more. I would give anything in the world to just see him smile, that’s all. I just want him to be able to smile at me again. I sigh and lean back in the chair again and rub my eyes. They hurt from crying so much.  
I take out my phone and type in the number I learned by heart. It rings and rings and finally the voicemail comes on, “Hi!” And a pause. I smile a bit, “Did I trick you?” He starts to laugh.   
“You didn’t trick anybody!” My voice calls in the background.  
“Oh, shut up!” He giggles and he sounds so happy. I start to cry again.  
“Make me.” My voice gets closer to the mic and the phone fumbles, making a weird sound.  
“Pete!” He laughs, “I’m making a voicemail!” He laughs so hard he can barely speak by the end, “I”m sorry! Please leave a message after the beep! Also be sure to say hi to Pete too!” He stammers out the end and I can hear a muffled, “I love you.” Come from him just before the phone beeps. I pull it away from my ear and hang up as I shake with silent sobs. I cover my mouth as I suck in shaky breaths, “I love you too…” I say so softly that even I could barely hear it. I close my eyes and sit, regretting so many things.   
There was so much I never said, so much I didn't do with him. All of it is what I had planned for our someday.  
I feel a hand rest on my arm and I look up.  
“Pete.” Mom says and I start to cry harder.  
“No, don't tell me.” I shake my head and she hugs me.  
“The surgery didn't go as planned and now they have him hooked up to life support but his heart isn't strong enough to beat on it's own.” She hugs me tighter, “He's alive.” She speaks weakly.  
“We were supposed to be, Mom. We were supposed to have a someday but we can't if-...” I get cut off by my sobs.  
“I know, hun, I know.” She mumbles through her tears.  
|||  
It was days before I was allowed back into the room with him. He was so unstable that his heart had given out an average of about four times a day since that first time.  
They only let me see him because they had a surgery scheduled for later today and the odds of his heart being able to take the stress of the blood loss was pretty much none.  
I wanted to hold him one more time.  
His heart seemed to be getting stronger. He seemed to be getting better but I can't say that for sure. He looked better but truly wasn't better.  
I held his hand and just sat, staring at the walls. He was too cold.  
Or was it me that was too cold.  
I couldn't tell anymore.  
I felt like I had every time I tried to kill myself. It was almost impossible to describe. It was just a sucking, draining, empty, nothing feeling. It's almost dizzying. And there's this swelling ache in your chest and you can hear your heart beating and the sound will make you nauseous.   
You get this sick feeling that makes it feel like your throat is closing and you can't swallow. That always makes it hard to take pills, unless your drunk, that loosens you up usually.   
Right now I felt like I was about to leap from the roof or down that bottle of pills. It felt wrong not doing so, but Patrick was more important than the suicidal ten year old, yelling at me in my mind.  
A doctor stepped in and frowned at me, “Peter, I'm going to have to kick you out now. I'm sorry.” She sighed sympathetically at my sad posture.  
“I don't want to leave him. I want to be with him if he doesn't make it.” I say as the tears start to fall again.  
“I know, I really do understand but not even his family is allowed in there if that makes you feel any better.” She tells me and I choke softly.   
I stand and let my hand linger on his a while longer before letting go.  
In that moment I came to peace with my supposed-to’s.  
|||  
Ten hours.  
It had been ten hours and nobody can tell me a damn thing.   
Mom went home to get Kevin set up to stay there to help with Patrick if he ever does wake up.  
I could help.  
I feel so horribly alone and I just wished that I had been in that car. I wished that was me.   
I watched a man rush in. He was in tears. The same ones from the day of Patrick's accident. The ones all too familiar to me.  
He's pleading to see his husband and they won't let him. This guy is massive, not like, ‘tall’ massive but he's built and could probably crush my head with just his thumb and index finger.  
He fights against security and I can tell he's barely trying because the two scrawny guards had no trouble holding him back.  
He cries as he paces the room and I can't help but to approach him.  
“Sir?” I say and place my hand on his shoulder. The man looks at me, he would be somewhat intimidating if he wasn't so upset.  
“Yes?” He speaks and I'm taken aback by his tiny voice.  
“I'm so sorry for you.” I say and he looks at me like I'm crazy.  
“How? Why do you care?” He stammers through tears.  
“The man I was… Supposed to marry was in a car accident a while ago and I was exactly like you are right now. I just don't want you to feel alone because I've felt alone since the moment I came in here over a month ago.” The man frowns at me.  
“I'm so sorry.” He shakes his head.  
“Come, sit. Tell me about him.” I insist as I move to the blue plastic chairs that were about as comfortable as a five hour drive with no breaks.  
We sit and we talk. I'm distracted for a while and I think he is too. He's a nice guy.   
I feel bad that his lover was ill or something. I never got around to asking what was wrong.   
He told me his name was Andy and his lover was Joe.   
He was nice and we followed each other on Twitter.   
Joe woke up and Andy got to go see him while I waited even longer for Patrick.  
|||  
He was brought out of surgery after fourteen hours and twenty-four hours later, I still couldn't see him because of his still declining state.  
I felt like I couldn't stand another second without him. It was like I was having some kind of drug withdrawal. I was itchy and uncomfortable in my own skin, I was too cold and yet, too hot at the same time. I was twitchy, jumpy. I was falling apart.  
I was so drained just sitting out there. I just couldn't cry anymore even though I wanted to. I was just a wreck. I wasn't me anymore. I was less of myself than I was before I met Patrick, I was less of a person than I ever was in my entire life.  
I barely existed at this point.  
I can't find me anymore.  
“Peter Wentz?” My name is called and I rush over as always.  
“Yes? Can I see him now?” The woman nods and I rush to the room that I practically moved into at this point.  
I sit down in the chair with my ass permanently indented in it. I place my hand in his and give it a squeeze. I still feel so lonely.  
It's around nine by the time I grow tired. I lean my head on Patrick's bed and close my eyes, “I love you.”  
I could've sworn I heard him say he loved me too.  
|||  
Another several weeks pass and there's still no sign of life. Today had been rough, the doctors told Mom that he wasn't going to wake up by this point, his body was too weak. They told her that she had to pay an absurd amount of money to keep him on the life support.  
She was taking him off of it tonight because she couldn't afford it.  
“Mother, I'm begging you. She can't afford even a fifth of it and be able to survive!” I beg into the phone, “Mother, please! We could pay that and barely even notice it's gone! We have cars more expensive, please!” I sob.  
“Pete, it's for the best.” Mother sighs, “Let him move on.” She huffs  
“He's still alive! He needs to live!” I beg, “I need him, I just.. I need him.” I'm defeated. I'm broken and defeated and can't fight anymore. I hang up without another word and rest my head on Patrick's bed and hold his hand. Tears roll down my cheeks silently as I stare at the wall.   
“I love you, Patrick.” I say, my voice hollow, “I'm sorry.” Is all I can manage.   
I'm starting to fall asleep when suddenly all the lights go out and I sit upright. Everything shut off.   
Patrick’s body jerks, the first sign of life I'd seen in months. He starts to convulse, having a seizure or a stroke, I didn't know, nor did I care as long as someone helped.  
Before I can even think to get to my feet a nurse is rushing in to get air into Patrick's lungs. He's alive.  
He's so alive for a dead man.  
I'm allowed to stay for some reason, nobody yells for me to get out as I watch my lover suffering. The power snaps back on and instantly the room fills had been too low to sustain him somehow, fifteen degrees lower than 95°f and that caused his heart to fail without the life support. Not enough blood in his body to heat him.  
He's dead for close to an hour, they get a brief pulse once or twice, it was weak and they almost gave up but for some unknown reason they got his heart beating and it was stronger than before. They'd been pumping blood into him the entire time and they seemed to have gotten enough in his body but they couldn't figure out why he had lost so much blood and not gotten any pumped into him to replenish it. His body was unable to keep up and couldn't get his temperature or blood levels up.  
His heart was being normally on it's own for the first time in months and that's all I care about right now.  
I called my mom back to beg for the money to save him, all the money for everything because I knew his mother would never be able to pay it.  
|||  
Within a week he was breathing on his own again. The doctor that had been working on him was found to be an alcoholic and wasn't giving him the proper medications or blood supply.   
His mother was suing the hospital and him for it and I was down to be of any help that I could.  
Patrick was really getting better this time.  
I didn't want to live another moment without him. Fuck the promise ring shit, I had to propose as soon as I got a ring.  
Either way, he still had to wake up.  
I was drifting between wake and sleep. I'm exhausted and haven't slept in days, but my mind is just too preoccupied to be able to allow me to sleep.  
It was all just nonsensical stuff in my head too. I guess it's just because I haven't had time to think about anything but supposed-to’s for the longest time that I can finally think of anything I want while I wait.  
I'm very tired, everything is just a jumble.   
A nurse enters the room and notices me, “Hello, Peter. How are you today?” She smiles.  
“Hi Elisa, I'm so tired but I can't sleep, do you think you could get me a sleeping pill or whatever?”   
“I can't give you anything, I'll get in trouble but you can have someone bring you some.” I huff as she says this.  
“Thanks.” I nod as she starts taking care of Patrick, changing his medicine bags and all that.  
I text Mom and ask her to pick me up some of those Nyquil sleeping pills for me whenever she had time.  
She thankfully was already on her way over and agreed. I had a headache and couldn't wait to sleep it off.  
|||  
It had to be around two in the morning before I was fully awake again. I get up and drop Patrick’s hand stretching as I move around the room. I hear a whine come from Patrick and I whip around as he shifts to sit up more in the bed.  
“Patrick!” I shout, frozen in awe of his glowing baby-blues.  
“Why'd you let go?” His voice is so hoarse and scratchy.   
I throw myself on him, kissing his mouth and his face, touching every piece of him that I could.   
He's giggling, “Whoa, chill out. It's just me.” He pushes me away a little.  
“Just you? Do I have to knock some sense into you?” I gasp as I try to kiss him again.  
“What are you talking about? I'm so confused as to what the hell is happening?” Patrick chuckles.  
“Patrick you-... how… You don't remember?” I stutter and he looks at me confused as he thinks too hard about it.  
“Wait! Our anniversary! What happened, I only remember leaving to go home?” He says and I lean my head against his chest and listen to the way his heart beats.  
I breathe out, “Let me show you.” I grab my phone. A few months back the cop that called me sent the dash cam footage he got of the accident happening, he was right behind Patrick when it happened and that's what saved his life.  
I show him the video, it's hard to watch even now. His car careens into the opposite lane, head on into a semi-truck.   
“That's me?” He gasps, “How am I alive?”   
“I don't care, you're just here. I've waited for months just to hear your voice again.” I speak and he slides over in the bed.  
I press the buzzer for the nurse to alert her Patrick is awake and I pull myself off of him.   
In rushes a nurse and she smiles once she notices Patrick sitting up, “You're awake, Mr. Stump!” She cheers, “Are you in any pain or do you need anything?”   
“I am so hungry, am I allowed to eat?” Typical Patrick. He had lost a whole lot of weight since the accident so I could see why he'd be starving.  
The nurse laughs, “Yes, if you want anything specific then Peter is allowed to bring you anything you'd like, the kitchen is currently closed. We do have ice cream and some sandwiches if you'd like?” She offers but he still turns to me.  
“Please?” He says and I laugh, rolling my eyes.   
“Alright, write what you want in my phone.” I hand him it and he types his request into my notes, “Haven't even been awake for half an hour and you're already trying to get rid of me.” I joke as he hands me back the phone.  
He smiles and kisses me gingerly, “Thank you.” He grins and I ruffle his hair.  
“I've missed you so much.”  
|||  
Patrick had to stay in the hospital for about a week after awaking, they wanted to do tests on him and help him be able to walk and move properly again. He also seemed to struggle with speaking at times and yet, at others it was fine. Doctors assured that he would be able to function better within a few months, his brain was still struggling to catch up after being in a lull for so long.  
I got to drive him home today, I'd never felt so good in my life.  
“Do you need any help with anything?” I coo as my arms go around his torso.  
“I don't really have anything to bring home, Pete. I can do it myself.” He sounded slightly hostile. I could get that he was frustrated, he couldn't do everything he normally did before the accident.  
“I know baby, I'm sorry.” I pull away and he sighs, turning, stumbling over his own feet.  
Patrick wraps his arms around me and presses his face into my chest, breathing in my scent, “I'm sorry for being mean.” He frowns, “I love you.”  
“I love you too, don't apologize, I get that you're struggling.” I kiss the top of his head, “It's okay.”  
He grins up at me, “I want to go home.”   
“Then let's go home.”


End file.
